Becoming a mom has always been a sensitive topic for me, as I grew up in a family with mental disorders.
I’ve struggled with PTSD, General anxiety disorder, depression, as well as obsessive-compulsive personality disorder for as long as I can remember. I often felt that I shouldn’t become a mom, scared that I would damage my child, but behind my mental illness there is also a fun, intelligent, sweet and hopeful person that loves children and enjoys helping others.
I really doubted myself, maybe this was a sign that I shouldn’t become a mom.
It all started 20 years ago. I was 7 years old and my dad just left my mom and me. I was anxious all of the time, afraid to fail and somehow I felt responsible for my mom’s wellbeing. My mom struggled with an untreated bipolar disorder and alcoholism. I lived in a small town, and the people didn’t go easy on me. Nobody wanted to socialize with me, and I felt really weird and lonely.
After years of mental abuse, neglect and bullying I started to experience nightmares, anxiety and depression. When my mom passed, I hit rock bottom. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I spent the next year in a clinic learning to deal with the anxiety and depression.
After many years in therapy, I decided to move on and make the best out of life. I spent a few years studying computer engineering and later moved on to law school. During this time I met the love of my life, and two years we decided that we wanted children.
Having children is already scary, but having children with mental illness is even worse. I felt so insecure, what if I’m not a good mom? What if I hurt my child? Despite all of this, I knew that I wanted to be a mom and a big part of me knew I was going to be amazing!
After two years trying the doctor told us it wasn’t going to happen, not naturally at least. There it was, proof that I wasn’t going to be a good mom, or so I felt. I really doubted myself, maybe this was a sign that I shouldn’t become a mom.
I spent months doubting myself, but I knew there was more to me then my Illnesses, and I have to believe that my child will grow up fine. If anything, I know what kind of mom I don’t want to be.
I felt so insecure, what if I’m not a good mom? What if I hurt my child?
I decided to start an IVF procedure. It‘s scary to say the least. the hormones, the injections, not knowing if it will work…but I keep pushing forward. I know I will be an amazing mom. I have several mental disorders, but I also have so many good qualities and I‘m going to be the best mom I can be.
To all the other moms with mental illness out there, you are amazing and strong and wonderful. Believe in yourself, you rock! Teach your child to be compassionate, open minded and know that everything will be alright.
You can read more about Kim over on here website, Miss Mental.