Struggling to conceive and believe: Kim’s lack of maternal confidence

by About Nikki
7 comments

Becoming a mom has always been a sensitive topic for me, as I grew up in a family with mental disorders.

I’ve struggled with PTSD, General anxiety disorder, depression, as well as obsessive-compulsive personality disorder for as long as I can remember. I often felt that I shouldn’t become a momscared that I would damage my child, but behind my mental illness there is also a fun, intelligent, sweet and hopeful person that loves children and enjoys helping others.

I really doubted myself, maybe this was a sign that shouldn’t become a mom.

It all started 20 years ago. I was 7 years old and my dad just left my mom and me. I was anxious all of the time, afraid to fail and somehow I felt responsible for my mom’s wellbeing. My mom struggled with an untreated bipolar disorder and alcoholism. I lived in a small town, and the people didn’t go easy on me. Nobody wanted to socialize with me, and I felt really weird and lonely.

After years of mental abuse, neglect and bullying I started to experience nightmaresanxiety and depression. When my mom passed, I hit rock bottom. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I spent the next year in a clinic learning to deal with the anxiety and depression.

After many years in therapy, I decided to move on and make the best out of life. I spent a few years studying computer engineering and later moved on to law school. During this time I met the love of my life, and two years we decided that we wanted children.

Having children is already scary, but having children with mental illness is even worse. I felt so insecure, what if I’m not a good mom? What if I hurt my child? Despite all of this, I knew that wanted to be a mom and a big part of me knew I was going to be amazing!

After two years trying the doctor told us it wasn’t going to happen, not naturally at least. There it was, proof that I wasn’t going to be a good mom, or so I felt. I really doubted myself, maybe this was a sign that shouldn’t become a mom.

I spent months doubting myself, but I knew there was more to me then my Illnesses, and I have to believe that my child will grow up fine. If anything, I know what kind of mom I don’t want to be.

I felt so insecure, what if I’m not a good mom? What if I hurt my child?

I decided to start an IVF procedure. It‘s scary to say the least. the hormones, the injections, not knowing if it will work…but I keep pushing forward. I know I will be an amazing mom. I have several mental disorders, but I also have so many good qualities and I‘m going to be the best mom I can be.

To all the other moms with mental illness out there, you are amazing and strong and wonderfulBelieve in yourself, you rock! Teach your child to be compassionate, open minded and know that everything will be alright.

You can read more about Kim over on here website, Miss Mental.

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Nikki is a thirty-something-year-old AZ native girlfriend & mama who hopes to create a safe space for women; helping to cultivate honest dialogue and end the stigma surrounding maternal mental health.

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7 comments

Lauren @ Celestial Livin October 3, 2018 - 4:59 PM

I love this! Your disorder doesn’t create your destiny. I struggle with MI as well and I also get nervous thinking about future motherhood. As long as we love ourself enough to take care of our MI, motherhood will be okay.

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Katie Werthmann October 3, 2018 - 5:35 PM

I’ve never had the strife you’ve dealt with other than rock bottom after my moms death. Im still there sometimes after 4 years. I found new life in crafting and teaching those crafts to my nieces- something messy everyone can enjoy. Its really cathartic and stress relieving to make a mess for fun instead of by accident.

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Brittany Darrington October 3, 2018 - 7:37 PM

Thank you for sharing about your PTSD. This is something many people hold within. Like you I’ve experienced anxiety and depression and believed everything was my fault. Not sure if you read this book… “You can heal your life,” by Louise Hay? This book helped me to take baby steps to work on me and getting healthy. Thank you again for sharing this post!

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Bee RaNature El October 3, 2018 - 8:12 PM

What a journey! You are truly a survivor. It is amazing how our stories can change the lives of others!

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Lauren October 3, 2018 - 10:10 PM

I love this! I share a lot of these fears with motherhood surely in the plans the next few years, so it is encouraging to read that I am not the only one who experiences these thoughts!

Lauren | https://livebythesunshine.com

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Annie October 4, 2018 - 12:10 AM

The fact that you care so much about being a good mom proves that you will be one because you will be putting in the effort and your child will feel that love. Thank you for the open dialogue about mental illnesses. My sister-in-law recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl through IVF. Best wishes to you!

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Daneisha Smith October 4, 2018 - 1:53 AM

You’re going to be an amazing mother! And the reason I know that is because you’re already concerned about your child and he/she isn’t even here yet!!! Don’t worry. You got this girl! Good luck!

http://www.officiallychic.com

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