On June 3, 2016, 4 short hours in labor, 25 minutes pushing, my 8lb 11oz beautiful baby boy was in my arms. It couldn't have gone any better. We were beyond blessed, he was healthy and happy.
2 days later we found ourselves back at the hospital, my perfect baby boy being pricked and poked. My 2-day old baby getting a spinal tap. Every mom's worst nightmare. He cried and cried, as I just cried and cried. Leaving the hospital Little Chris caught a blood virus that caused him to get sick. 2 days old he struck a 102.0 fever.
It was my fault right, what did I do wrong. These are the things I would say to myself. My world was crushed, I was sick to my stomach, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I worried all night and all day to the point where I made myself sick. Is he okay, are they going to hurt him, are they just letting him cry, why isn't my Milk coming in! All thoughts that raced through my mind. We were there 9 days. Only 9 days you say? 9 days of me watching my child be poked and wanting to go home. 9 days I cried myself to sleep, didn't eat, and all at the same time I'm bleeding and swollen, going through the roller coaster of postpartum feelings and Scared. I was scared.
With being that scared for so many days, I put myself into postpartum Anxiety. The roughest and scariest time of my life. Nobody understood what I was going through and I couldn't just tell myself 'everything' is okay, he is 'fine'. Saying those things don't work for me. We all went home June 12, 2016. Going home would make it easier right? No, wrong. I cried all day, I always worried something was wrong and I would make stuff up. 'He feels hot, he won't eat, something is wrong'. When the whole time he was fine.
This continued until he was about 7 months old. It took me 7 months to realize he was okay and I wasn't. I talked to my husband, my mom, and friends. I realized I had postpartum Anxiety.
It's been a struggle to not worry and make myself sick. And believe me when I say, when he gets sick or a fever I over analyze the whole situation. He is 17 months now and I still worry, I still find myself asking if he is okay, am I doing this right. But talking it out with my husband, my family, my doctor has helped so much. Here we are today. My healthy, happy boy is here and lights up my entire life. I will get through this, we will get through this.
-Cyndi Hoffer has a beautiful baby boy named Chris Jr. You can find her on Instagram.